No Lifeguard at the Gene Pool

I'm going to be all hyperbolic and say that I haven't the faintest clue why I'm even writing this review; 'No Lifeguard At The Gene Pool' is an unmistakably reprehensible album and the only people who would actually enjoy it probably can't read which means I'll miss out on the side-splitting comedy that is hate mail. It's quite an anomaly of an album however, in that it manages to be incessantly noisy and irritating but at the same time so bland I managed to do my tax return while it was on. However in a sea of insipid mimicry that is the current tech death discography, it manages to stand out by being outright fucking awful when it isn't being bland; it sounds like the result of The Dillinger Escape Plan banging Brain Drill in the tool shed at a dodgy house party.

Whilst listening to the album is quite the arduous experience, describing what it sounds like is anything but. To be honest I could probably summarise the entire album by telling you to a listen to one of their songs on Myspace once and then listen to it eight more times. There are flourishes (and I use the term as lightly as a feather made of hydrogen) that distinguish the songs from each other but only in the slightest of ways. Song structures are repeated ad infinitum and basically go: Fast Riffing - Breakdown/Slow Riffing - Fast Riff - Fiddly Guitar Wank Part - Fast Riffing - End Breakdown. I haven't a clue what is going on in the fast sections but even if I did I probably wouldn't care since it's all been done before by the other three billion tech death bands out there. During the slower parts we get pretty horrible riffs that chug along whilst the guitar wank is merely some scale runs and an arpeggio or two; stock standard modern tech death really. Adding to the usual clichés the drums are exceedingly loud and have a horrible bass drum sound which is akin to slapping a walrus with a salmon covered in vaseline. The bass is buried in the mix but makes an occasional appearance in the few moments when the guitars aren't wanking off all over the place but as per usual it's nothing outstanding.

I mentioned previously that there are minor flourishes from song to song that allow for the listener to potentially tell the difference between songs if they actually gave a shit about the album; these flourishes are what contribute so heavily to making this album a revolting experience. Bland albums are, at the very least, inoffensive and to sit through one isn't a painful experience but each and every song in 'No Lifeguard At The Gene Pool' manages to plunge that level much lower, from being simply generic and unspectacular to being inconcievably atrocious. It's like taking an pleasant afternoon walk only to be hit in the face with poisonous ejaculate every five minutes. The pig squeals throughout "The Morning Grind" are definitely the first thing that made me stop doing my tax return and actually vomit a little bit in my mouth, although that might have been the aftermath of drinking from 11am onwards and then eating that kebab at 2am. The fact Job for a Cowboy ditched the pig squeals and breeing is probably a sign that the rest of you fucktards should too; they were shit then and surprisingly enough they're shit now. The "look we're so avant-garde, here's a random section" in "Irritated as a Hangnail in a Fingerfuck" is more likely to illicit pity than hatred since it's quite obvious these musicians are brain-damaged and thought they were Unexpect for some reason. "No Room for Retards" is pretty much a five minute breakdown that manages to make 'Perverse Recollections of a Necromangler' sound like a real death metal album by comparison. The song title is unintentionally hilarious however so there's always that.

I could keep listing off all the poor song writing choices but that'd be just as insipid as this album is. Honestly if modern tech death can be considered the bottom of the barrel of the current metal world then Pillory stands at the bottom of a barrel that is the bottom of another barrel which happens to be the bottom of the barrel that modern tech death is in. It's a horrible analogy but it's just as apt and slightly more eloquent than saying that Pillory are fucking shithouse and should die in a fire. 'No Lifeguard At The Gene Pool' is probably the worst album I've heard in a long time; the poor dexterity utilised in melding the usual modern tech death clichés with deathcore's unhealthy love for breakdowns and shit vocals is astounding. It's so bad it deserves some sort of award for being shit, it's as though they actually put effort into being this shit. If that was the intention then Pillory played me fine.

I love how tech metal now no longer concentrates with using its elevated technical skill to create more vivid and multifaceted compositions, but just to annoy the shit out of the listener. Really, look at bands like Orthrelm or Daughters: it's just music that's attempting to piss you off really badly. I mean, you can tell that that's the goal of many of these artist because they come out and say it openly! Of course, there's always some part of the musical community that will listen to it despite the joking nature of its existence out of some desire to seem avant-garde and surely above the teeming, cultureless masses.

Let me take a moment to teach you all that quality is not defined by how esoteric a piece of art is. Apparently some people believe that the way you show how open-minded you are is by worshiping the most stupid, trite crap. I find this to be an interesting phenomena, because it clearly hasn't crossed over anywhere really except music. After all, we're not all lined up to eat our own shit, are we? But shouldn't we be? Surely that's the most esoteric and difficult food to choke down, so Veronica Moser is surely someone to be revered as a god. A god, I tell you! Of course, when phrased this way, doing this doesn't make any sense at all, does it? So why should it make sense to be figuratively eating shit by listening to deliberately irritating music?

Because, guess what, kids: that's exactly what you're doing when you listen to Orthrelm or Daughters: you're eagerly sucking up whatever talented musicians are willing to shit into your mouth. Yes, obviously this technique isn't one exclusively found in 'tech' music, but it does seem to have the largest contingent of those ready and willing to exercise their retarded scat fantasies as quickly as possible. Stuff like Psyopus I can understand: they can be annoying as fuck sometimes, but at least those instances are typically few and far between, and they spend the time to craft actually interesting songs. But some of the others? Why? There's no reason at all to listen to it other than to impress your friends, or, more likely, yourself. It's a very selfish form of music.

As you may have guessed, Pillory is one such band that seems dedicated to annoying the shit out of you. I'm going to tell you what this is: Despised Icon with the speed doubled, too many pig squeals, and a bunch more atonal riffing and essentially random song structure. There you go. I'm sure that a great portion of you reading this right now are warming up their wallets already. Feel free. I highly encourage stupid people to lose their money as quickly as possible, so by all means, run out and buy 'No Lifeguard At The Gene Pool' as fast as you can. But for those that are a tad more discriminating in their tastes, perhaps you should consider the actual content here.

Guess what again: there is none! If one takes the opposite of silence as white noise, which would be the culmination of all possible sounds yet has the same effect as none, then having nine songs with the same structure is exactly the same as having nine songs with completely random structure. Sure, there's a superficial difference, but what's the point when the effect is the same? I can't pick any of the songs on this album out from each other, though I know how each will go. Lots of high-low atonal technical riffing, hardcore vocals mixed with an insane amount of pig squeals (which are supposed to be used to accent, not carry, the music), some fast drumming, and inane metalcore lyrics. Oh, and 'funny' song titles, because apparently combining wacky wordplay with overwrought, thinly veiled emo lyrics somehow legitimizes your lack of artistic integrity. Too bad EVERY METALCORE BAND IN THE WORLD HAS DONE IT, ASSHOLES.

The instruments are played well. How awesome.

Perhaps the greatest insult I can give to 'No Lifeguard At The Gene Pool' is that it's just not THAT annoying. I mean, it's mediocre, but I can tune it out very easily, much in the same way you tune out white noise or silence. Perhaps I'm saying this out of malice towards this breed of music: after all, if you can't actually be good, and you can't make people truly hate you, then what do you have going for you? Nothing. You just end up being one of thousands of other mediocre bands.

What an ignominious end for such 'independent' music.