Black Metal Juggernaut

Why do I love this album so much? There's really no reason to: it's an album by a band of Finnish numbskulls that exists essentially for the sole purpose of parodying the cliches and (perceived) shortcomings of black metal. However, Metal Maniacs scribe Nathan T. Birk, whose opinion I completely trust, heaped gobs and gobs of praise on these guys, this album in particular, and I decided that if that son of a bitch likes it then it must be worth checking out. Needless to say, I tracked the thing down from Amortout, and was immediately blown away. Joke band or not, Blackthrone create spirited black/thrashmetalcore, a fusion the likes to which I personally have yet to bear witness.

I know that the "-core" suffix in my description of the band will scare some people off. Please bear in mind, though, that I say "core" in the sense of Discharge and Anti-Cimex: there are no white, studded belts, black mod cuts, or eyeliner pencils to be found here. There are, however, d-beats gallore, a technique for which I'm a complete sucker. Every time. I mean, fuck, this album is *at least* half d-beat, which is perfectly fine by me. Even better is the fact that the band put the (dis-)influence into a metal context, much like Celtic Frost and Hellbastard did in the 80s. Elsewhere are riffs that could have been, and probably were, lifted directly from that unholy trinity of Slayer albums produced from '86 to '90 (go listen to "Black Hole Satan," right now, and tell me that's *not* the riff from "South of Heaven"), as well as moments recalling "Overkill" or "Ace of Spades" in their all-out, unabashed, raucous rocking. There are, of course, a fair amount of black metal stylings to be found herein, and Blackthrone mixes them so seemlessly with their punk/hardcore/thrash influences that the concoction, for better or worse, is rendered mostly original. With albums like this, though, I could give a fuck about originality; it's infectiousness that counts, and this record's got it in spades. The songs are genuinely unforgettable, and I've caught myself humming (!) them for days on end (c.f. "Blitzkrieg to Vatican," "Panzerfisting," "Funeral Death.") Blackthrone, in spite of all of their comedic posturing, know how to write a hook, and a *metal* hook at that, evidenced above all by "Hordes of Werewolves" and the aforementioned "Black Hole Satan."

Nevertheless, I'm not at all comfortable calling this a black metal album, because it's not. Using black metal as their impetus, Blackthrone have created a record of old-fucking-school crossover thrash/crust, peppered but here and there with Blackinavian chords and progressions. I know a lot of black metal purists have criticized these guys to hell and back, but being a "joke band" per se is neither here nor there. "Black Metal Juggernaut" is nothing more than a ludicrous, t(h)rashy jaunt through the bowels of one of the lesser levels of Hell, merely teasing Satan's member instead of allowing complete skull-fuckery. Keep this in mind and merrily have yourselves ripped a new one.

*EDIT 10/14/11: I opted to reduce the rating from an absurd and undue 92% (!) to a more realistic 65%, my reasoning being that anything given a rating of 91-100% is an absolute, must-own classic, while records in the 61-70% range are good - above average - but hardly anything to revisit time and again. I was twenty-one (in December 2006) when I wrote the above review, and while I certainly still spin this record occasionally and thoroughly enjoy it, it rocked my world for about a month and that was it. It's mildly innovative, sure, and I like the idea of the noisy d-beat cum black/thrash spew contained herein, but I feel like the joke's on me (and you, if you've bought the album): this is, for all intents and purposes, a novelty record, and the song arrangements especially simmer just above the stasis of amateur for the majority of the playing time.