Battle of Metal

There are plenty of words that I could use to describe Battle of Metal. The most fitting one, though, is “childish”. Wizard is a band who seemingly never graduated middle school in their metal education. Hell, any band that gets Manowar’s shtick wrong probably didn’t graduate from anything besides diapers. Most of what ails this sad excuse for a speed metal album (besides the pointless interludes, kind of like what I’m doing here) has to do with the lyrics and vocals, so that’s primarily what I will focus on.

Before I get started, I’d like to address a point that Wizard make on the album. (“Do it”, said the impatient reader.) On “Our Hate Will Burn You”, Wizard criticize their critics, saying,

“When we play our metal
Losers come out of their holes
They are talking shit about us
But we don’t care.”

Oh no! Wizard don’t care what I have to say about their 11-year-old album! What ever shall I do? I’m going to go cut myself and listen to Atreyu! Wait… no, that’s not what I meant. I’m going to criticize Wizard’s fourth-rate speed metal whether they write a “Fuck Tha Critics” song or not, so Sven can fuck right off.

Sven, of course, is Sven D’Anna, the band’s lead singer, who has a fairly good mid-range speed metal voice and an accent thicker than an overweight elephant. He is the prime reason that the album is so dumb, so sophomoric, and so downright stupid that it makes Brick Tamland look like a genius. The immaturity of the lyrics is to be expected – after all, aren’t these guys setting out to be the next Manowar? – but the ham-handed way that they are delivered and the comically thick German accent they are delivered in ruin them completely. Compared to Eric Adams, the thing he really lacks is subtlety.

Now at this point, you might be scratching your head, because I just used “Eric Adams” and “subtlety” in the same sentence. What I’m talking about is that he lacks subtlety in his vocal delivery. He doesn’t really do anything with the vocal melodies – any attempts he makes at attitude fall flat. Now that wouldn’t really matter, except that the lyrics he’s singing are terrible, and if you have terrible lyrics, you need a good singer to deliver them. David Lee Roth is a prime example of this. I mean, “Jamie’s Cryin’”? Give me a break. (One break, comin’ up!) But Roth sings it with feeling and panache, and you end up thinking the lyric isn’t as bad as it is. Sven D’Anna doesn’t do this. He couldn’t save a bad lyric if his beer depended on it, and so he ends up delivering gems like “Heavy metal will never die!” with the all the charisma of Dick Cheney. It doesn’t help that someone needed to sit the guy down and explain English grammar to him. For these reasons, his “metal warrior” act is not at all convincing.

The one is in the riffs. Most of the band’s stuff consists of kick-ass, but standard speed metal riffs. Still, when the guitar duo of Maass and Boland lock on to a riff, let’s just say that it may induce mild headbanging, at least until Sven comes in and reminds you how hard the lyrics and delivery fail. The solos are okay, but even if the solos had been played by Thor himself, they wouldn’t have saved the album

The bass playing is… next paragraph.

The drummer is good enough at keeping time, I guess, but he doesn’t really do anything. The snare drum is a little annoying – it sounds like he’s banging the crap out of my computer, or something made of similar plastic – but it’s not the loudest aspect of the drum sound, so it doesn’t matter that much.

But to get to the heart of this album, we have to examine the lyrics in all their cheesy, Engrish grory. Any album that has lines like “Zunder warriors fight! Zunder warriors kill! Zunder warriors feel ze… pooooowaaaaah!” and “Is-eh metal dead? I don’t zink soowoh! As long as I lev, ze metal will never die!” is asking to be mercilessly mocked, and I’m happy to oblige. The lyrics are all about subjects such as how badass Sven is, how bad Sven’s ass is, how big his army of metal demons is, how his accent can slay dragons, how his accent can slay posers, et cetera. There’s a line between fun cheesy lyrics and embarrassing cheesy lyrics, and apparently someone told the guys from Wizard that there were naked Valkyries on the latter side.

To be fair, Battle of Metal is not an utterly awful, soul-devouring abomination. The songwriting is average, and in the instrumental sections, when it manages to climb out of the quicksand of its own tr00ness, it can be a fun listen. There are tens of other bands that do this sort of thing better, though. Bottom line, if Wizard showed up at my house right now, I’d laugh at them. On the other hand, if Joey DeMaio… hi Joey. You’re awesome, I love your bass pla – please, Joey, put the battle axe down. I’m a big fan. Okay so I might not have any of your albums, but NOOOOOOOOOO….

*thud*

As this loser was trying to say, Wizard’s album is a bad imitation of our true metal style. When it comes to your true metal, don’t accept imitations – demand the real thing, and buy some Manowar. Oh, and don’t worry about PriestofSadWings. He’ll be fine. It’s only a flesh wound.*


*May not have actually been written by Joey DeMaio