Lost Masters of the Universe

After I already wrote a review complaining about neo-Darkthrone's image of not giving a fuck about what you think of their shit music, and earning heaps of praise for not giving a fuck what you think about their shit music, here's a band that truly doesn't give a fuck about what you think of their shit music. They don't even give enough of a fuck to try to be social media celebrities with catchy YouTube and Facebook presences about how they don't give a fuck. Not giving a fuck what you think of their shit music is not their image they want to sell to you, if they wanted to sell that message for advertisement and promotion like Fenriz does, they wouldn't sell it to you or anyone, because they wouldn't even acknowledge your existence, or anyone's. Mysticum is more likely to talk to a rock in a Norwegian forest and scream at the rock about how they don't give a fuck what the rock thinks, and fully feel like that rock really needed to hear that message put clearly to it. And fuck that rock for ever mocking them.

Mysticum, as many know, play a style that works extremely well for those that are into that exact style, but that exclusively works for those who are into that exact style, because they aren't actually good in any objective sense. They're more of a Norwegian black metal version of a b-movie, a cult classic for those who have some predisposition for it to speak to them in some way, but actually really corny, campy and crappy on any attempts to analyse the content more objectively. But you know we live in a world where a TV show full of overacted William Shatner monologues can lead to such obsession that some give up their lives for it, and Mysticum in all their cult glory can certainly compete with Captain Kirk mansplaining future human values to confused girls with varying levels of barely imaginative make-up to indicate their extraterrestial origin. You think it's shitty? It's fucking Mysticum, they're bigger than Beethoven, Bach and Mozart combined, and your mind is just not evolved enough to comprehend. If I find time between sessions of Pokémon Go in my parents' garden I am going to bet my minimum wage on my superior intellect for appreciating the genius of Mysticum when you don't.

What I've heard from most people it's the drumcomputer that kills it for them. I can't help but be in love with the overcaffeinated martial beats having digital seizures under the riffing, but I can - almost - understand how their tinny plastic nature may turn off a lot of people. It's obvious that like many bands they use the default samples, which somehow always turn out to be the worst any drum machine can offer (what kind of wicked conspiracy is behind that anyway), and it doesn't seem like the most state of the art drum machine, either. It's something people usually would put on a never to be released demo if anything, or maybe a Running Wild album, but not on any serious metal release. Yet Mysticum do. And somehow it just gives the whole thing a good portion of its camp charm, especially with those signature beats that sound one half something to march to in military uniform and all, and one half something to dance to after a helping of a party drug of choice. Not what you'd imagine black metal to be played over, but it is.

And actually it seriously is, and there's a bit of a discordance here, because for all the camp of the percussion - and the sparse synths for that matter - the black metal riffing packs some serious malevolence. It's as cold and menacing as the best of them. Actually Mysticum are among the best of them, on riffing alone they are a top tier Norwegian black metal band on one level with the big names. The riffs function with a perfect strong emphasis on contrast, rarely moving from one note to another close to it but making big, contrasting shifts from lighter to darker or vice versa, at key moments in the riffing for jarring effects. They have an almost unique talent for using black metal riffs to play with your psyche, by this strong use of contrast and by how they are played in a machinal, inhuman style. The warm, human style of a Transilvanian Hunger won't be found in any Mysticum riff, we are more in territories akin to Thorns here, but without any of the dystopian science fiction feel to give at least something to wrap the mind around, and more of an emotional void where all human elements are removed. The riffing is nothing short of stellar and black metal in its purest form.

Perhaps it is only fitting to have that soul sucking riffing combined with the freak bizarre choice of percussion and electronics. It fits the wholly b-movie-esque image and presentation that surrounds the musical content, and the furiously demonic hissing and snarling of the vocals surely manages to keep everything in a way that indeed every element goes together fluently. Just in a way that won't make sense to many people unless their mind kind of works in that strange way that somehow what this band does feels right and how it's supposed to be.

I certainly feel fucking thankful for this compilation, because it is such a huge bonus to their stellar debut album. The full-length unified all their aforementioned qualities to a level of perfection, but Lost Masters of the Universe demonstrates their evolution and highlights the individual elements more, a "making of In the Streams of Inferno with bonus features" in a way. And it's not the varying production values that provide the variety here, but the different approaches to the Mysticum songwriting and song creation formula that present the band from different sides. Some songs focus a lot more on the psychedelic than anything on the full-length, some focus a lot more on the cold and evil than anything on the full-length, some a lot more on sheer riffing heaviness. The album unites all these elements to a perfect mixture of a bleak apocalyptic void, but the compilation is a sort of Mysticum take on an Extended Universe or Silmarillion that explains where all the shades of bleak and nihilistic have their origin and how they united to form the perfect storm of evil.

To most people Mysticum may sound like a freak accident of the birth of Norwegian black metal, and on a surface level, an objective stance, that may very well be true. They are the blackest sheep of the black herd and don't really fit into the scene in image, presentation and style, like a parallel evolution where a band that in essence has nothing to do with Norwegian black metal ended up being Norwegian black metal by different means at the same point in time. In a scene where the majority of bands sound like extreme takes on Bathory and Hellhammer, we got this band sounding like Godflesh possessed by the demons of the Evil Dead series, and somehow they fit right in with the Norwegian second wave of black metal, even if at so many objective levels they don't. You may find no painted guys being so cold in the forest here, but there is something just as evil about Mysticum, and more than likely actually more so. But it's not a band that can just be appreciated by whoever comes along, it seems to be a prerequisite that something has gone terribly wrong in your head like it so apparently has in theirs. And so, if all you hear is campy b-movie metal with admittedly cool riffs but too much bizarre goof in everything else, there's nothing wrong with you and your mind, which honestly may be a good thing you should be happy about, and simply remember that Mysticum don't give a fuck what you think of their shit music, and they won't have Peaceville drive home the point with a "we don't give a fuck"-promotion campaign, the point drives itself home entirely by itself. Who knows what world these guys even wander on while I type this...

I've been a fan of Mysticum for years and at this point I'm pretty familiar with everything they've ever released so I have no trouble saying that their only album is basically worthless. I say this because their two demos were totally awesome (with the exception of "Father Beyond" and "The Grave of Petrified Souls" which were total snoozers) and "In the Streams of Inferno" only ruined what was perfect to begin with. What killed their only full-length was the production. All the cool riffs were reduced to a constant unmusical distorted treble "hiss" and the drums ended up sounding like boring, lifeless techno beats. The drums on "Wintermass" and "Medusa's Tears" sounded like midi, but that's cool because it fit and their heaviness as far as bass is concerned gave them a very "in your face" kind of feel. Onward... The rest of the tracks are pretty cool, but "Black Magic Mushrooms" is the best. CLASSIC FUCKING MYSTICUM. My only complaint with this release is the sound quality of track 12 because it sounds like they were too lazy to hunt down the master tapes and just used the inferior vynil version. Come on guys, I know you didn't go into the studio and record directly to wax...?!? Oh well... The "Wintermass" version was a little better anyway and this gives me an excuse to not listen to what is essentially the same song. That said, this is really the only Mysticum CD you'll ever need unless they come out with a new one. Sadly that may never happen and one of black metal's most unique bands (uniqueness, a rare quality in this genre) will go almost entirely unnoticed and fade away into obscurity... Tragic.