Cold Lake

I know the Celtic Frost community is going to hate me for this, but let me explain. Celtic Frost was a very important band during the first wave black metal scene in the 80s, with projects like "Morbid Tales" and "To Mega Therion" pioneering the distorted sound and dark imagery black metal is known for today. So fans were shocked when in 1988, the band members decided to get rid of the black metal sound altogether in exchange for a heavy/glam metal style for their third album "Cold Lake". The criticism was brutal, and it caused the band to disown the album from its future catalogue. Even Thomas Gabriel hated it, as he called it "an utter piece of shit and possibly the worst album ever created in heavy music."

But now that the controversy has died down, the album has gained a cult following in recent years. I personally didn't like the album when I first listened to it, but the more I listened to it, the more I started to appreciate the positives in the album. Now I still don't consider this as great as "To Mega Therion", and it is still their weakest album in their discography, but when you put all the sell-out controversy aside and focus strictly on the music, you'll find a lot to like on this album.

One notable thing about "Cold Lake" is the instruments. Now as I said earlier, this is a heavy/glam metal album, so the instruments are significantly toned down and the production is more cleaner and polished. But as far as glam metal albums go, the instrumentation is great. The guitars still maintain a dark sound, but balances it well with the more bouncy riffs. The drums also beat with more vibrance than other glam metal albums, so they beat in more coherent patterns. The bass is also more audible than many other albums at the time and follows the guitars very well. My favorite instruments comes from the tracks "Seduce Me Tonight", "Cherry Orchard", and "Downtown Hanoi" since the guitar riffs on those tracks are diverse and bring in more of an edge on the track, giving the atmosphere a more sinister tone. While some tracks like "Little Velvet" have bland and generic instruments, the instrumentations on this album are good overall.

As for the vocals, they are decent aswell. Thomas Gabriel's vocals on the previous two albums were great, but he tones them down a bit on this album. His voice has less screaming, but offers more melodic singing and chants than in previous works. One of his best vocal moments is in the track "Dance Sleazy". On that track, Thomas's singing flows with the groovy instruments well and it gives him a more playful personality. His voice also has more might on that track than in other songs, so they bring in a more powerful sound in them. Of course, being a glam metal album means that he has to have one poor vocal performance, and "Juices Like Wine" has Thomas whine the chorus, which sounds awful. Nevertheless, Gabriel's vocals still hold up well, even though there are a few slip ups in his voice.

But one problem with "Cold Lake" is the lyrics. Glam metal isn't known for having the best lyrics, but even then, they're below average on this album. Take the lyrics to "(Once) They Were Eagles" for example, where this verse quotes:

Pure reflections memories in a haze
Tied to the ground, Forced to bow,
You may see dancing faces

This verse talks about someone being tied and forced to worship eagles. This verse doesn't make any sense, seeing as the person will eventually untie themselves and run away from the eagles. Not only are the lyrics poor, but their execution is sometimes poor. In "Cherry Orchards", the lyrics deal with themes of love, but the track's more powerful instruments and angry vocals make the lyrics feel out of place. The lyrics are the worst part on this album, and they sometimes stop the songs from reaching their full potential.

Overall, this album is a lot better than a lot of people make it out to be. While the lyrics are the biggest problem, the vocal delivery is decent and the instruments hold up well. I can understand people having strong negative feelings towards the album, but if you let go of its troubled past and focus strictly on its musical merits, you may be surprised. As far as glam metal albums go, this is one lake you definitely should swim in.

It's been 32 years since this album has been released and to be totally honest with you guys I have never gotten through to every single song in its entirety because I just can't. I have heard bits of each of the songs and for some reason I just turn it off - it bothers me. The only song I've ever been able to get through is 'Cherry Orchards' because I saw the video when I was about 17 and it was very difficult to see Tom G. Warrior and the rest of the band looking like Motley Crue and Poison. And with the big hair and that totally glammed-out look it wasn't a very good sight to see. If you are a hardcore fan of the 'Morbid Tales' and 'To Mega Therion' lps like me, this is like a monkey wrench thrown into the works. Those albums were monumental in my book as some of the greatest death metal albums ever in the history of metal, but to see Tom Warrior glammed-out and writing songs like 'Dance Sleazy', I just can't even bring myself to listen to it for even a couple of minutes.

Let's talk about the music here. Some reviews I've read have said that the production on this lp is weak, but I think it's not too bad, actually. The guitars sound decent as do the bass and drums, but the riffs that Tom Warrior and Curt Victor Bryant have come up sound like they're doing a version of Motley Crue and W.A.S.P.. Tom Warrior's vocals sound nothing like they did on the previous albums. I can't really find a way to describe them. It's weird. As I said, I tried to get through the rest of the songs on this album and I last about a minute because it just bugs me. The riffs are stale and they sound so bland. Just trying to be in that mold of glam rock and hair metal that other bands were doing in the '80s and it comes up short in a lot of ways. And it's hard to understand that a once great writer like Tom Warrior can write such silly lyrics as in 'Downtown Hanoi' - it's really bad. The song 'Petty Obsession' is just as bad lyrically as well, and it's hard to even read the lyrics without saying 'what the fuck???'.

I don't think Tom Warrior himself can listen to this lp, that's how disgusted he is with it and I don't blame him one bit. If this would have been released under a different name, I would have understood....maybe. But I can somewhat understand why he did this album - the music industry was dicking him over and that's the core of the reason why he put this lp out. You guys gotta remember in the '80s, underground death metal music was accepted by a very limited audience, and since those bands like Frost weren't selling millions of records, they were constantly being screwed over by the record company and the industry. And I don't think Tom Warrior gave a shit about anything and he just wanted to party and release something that was so out of left field that he didn't care. Hey, we all make mistakes, but I respect Tom for taking the blame for this album and at least he owns up to it and doesn't hide away from it. I think he liked it at that time and thought it was an important album for Frost...but that feeling didn't last long. Even after a few years he hated it and wished he could have changed it.

I think when I hear the bits of these songs, it just totally sounds like a different band with no connection between the style that they established from 1983 till 1986 at all. And yet to see this band who, in my eyes, were so immensely powerful and had that gift to create such masterpieces fail so badly, it hurts me so much. Just to fall to this level is still today a huge mystery. Disappointing isn't even the word to describe it. The music here is, like I said, stale, and the riffs don't move you - they're trying too hard to be like Motley Crue and it's not good at all.

Well, at least you'll never have to hear any of this album's songs played live ever again, thank goodness. I think it's funny that when they reissued all the Celtic Frost albums, they purposely omitted reissuing this one...gee, I wonder why? I honestly don't think even if you paid Tom Warrior a lot of money, he would even try to play any song off this lp. I think he would rather die than have to play any of these songs ever again and who can blame him?

And there are some people who like this album who liked the previous records and I don't understand that at all. I've met some people over the years that feel that way. Maybe some of them can tell me I'm too close- minded. I'm just being sensible. There's no way in hell if you were a fan of the previous albums like 'Morbid Tales' that you can accept this really drastic change of an album - that's the bottom line. And this album was a really drastic switch, no doubt. But some people do like it and I'll never get it. But if Tom Warrior can't even stomach this album 30 years later, what does that tell you? I'm willing to bet you if he had a time machine, he would have made the decision to change the album totally. Or maybe just erase it from their history. That would have been a good idea.

"Woah! Fuck me Gothic... You actually listened to Cold Lake? I thought it was only gothic metal albums you reviewed."

That was one thing that came to mind when I was diving into this review of legendary extreme metal band Celtic Frost and their supposedly god awful album. Don't get me wrong Celtic Frost have always been a great band for being influential in extreme metal. I even see Celtic Frost as a precursor band for gothic metal for adding gothic elements to extreme metal. Loved "Morbid Tales," loved "To Mega Therion," and loved "Monotheist." And then there's "Cold Lake." An album that is so infamously despised by even Tom Warrior that he has made it hard for you guys to find a copy of this album and I totally understand.

Now "Cold Lake" was actually an album that was recommended to me by my online buddies and I just never wanted to listen to this album. Not only have I heard this album was bad, but it's basically a betrayal among the die hard fans for abandoning their sound for a glam metal sound. So, I decided to listen to this album now for two reasons. One: just to hear how bad it sounds and two: wanted to listen to more bad albums just to know which albums I would consider to be the absolute worst. "Cold Lake" after listening to this album, I realized it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it's still bad.

There is only one thing that is going for in "Cold Lake" and that is the guitars. It is still kinda dark than the average glam metal album. It has some slither of Celtic Frost sound to hear in the album in a few Songs, but it was obviously overpowered by the fuzzy glam sounds. I do hear some good chords in "Cold Lake" like in "Blood in Kisses" which does have similarities to the previous Celtic Frost albums. Another small thing I like about the album is the fact that it's short. Normally, I ripped on an album just for being too short, but in the case of "Cold Lake" it's a very generous 38 minutes that won't make this album feel like a chore. Some of the music is alright like in "Downtown Hanoi" because again has similarities to the previous albums. To be fair the music has some comprehension, but it's entirely rare.

The first obvious problem with "Cold Lake" by how much glam metal is in this album. I have some tolerance to glam metal music, but when it comes to Celtic Frost this felt like a sucker punch to the gut. The band's abandonment to this kind of music is betrayal to a lot of metal fans who rebel against the 80s glam metal movement. This would certainly feel like an album for my mom as I normally associate glam metal as "mom music." The licks on the guitar are really annoying and are all over this album with obnoxious fuzzy guitars. The drumming is decent, but it sounds so clicky and doesn't present any skill.

The second problem I have with this album is the lyrics. Now most of the lyrics are incredibly hard to find unless you find the CD, which is near hard to find. I did find lyrics to "Seduce Me Tonight" and well... its terrible. The only decency is in "Cherry Orchard," but with that it's not saying much. Just by hearing the other Songs the way the lyrics is structured is more like verse-chorus-verse-chorus and its pretty boring. I kept hearing the title of the Song on most Songs too which is not too creative either, and is basically there to not have the Songs sound like it has less singing.

Lastly, and this is the biggest problem with "Cold Lake" and that's Tom Warrior's obnoxious vocal approach. It is not only whiny, but it's pretty bland. No power, not even singing to justify this as a glam metal album, Tom's vocals on this album was one of the worst performances I heard. It feels like listening to a jock sing about love and sex only to lead up to singing in front of people and the audience was cringing. That is the one word I can describe this performance: Cringy. This part of the review made me feel bad for Tom Warrior for having to go through this sudden change.

"Cold Lake" is pretty terrible. Celtic Frost had already turned heads with their previous album "Into the Pandemonium" and it was clear that further experimentation to the next album turned to chopping heads. Even if you wanted to look for some hair metal music I would still steer clear of this album. One thing I forgot to mention with "Cold Lake" that is good about it is that it's an example of what not to do with experimentation. What not to do with joining the bandwagon. If had Celtic Frost released this album three years later, then they would have been fucked as the rest of the glam bands would be extinct by grunge. Even though, this album had an occasional redeeming quality to it, I just don't get it. Plain and simple. Don't worry Tom I feel your pain.

This album is pretty bad, but it's got some good traits that go along with it. Though, the annoying, "jock-singing" is just flat-out retarded. And so with the introduction of this record. Seriously, if you guys had doubts about releasing this, you shouldn't have done so...it's just totally lame, and to take this album seriously...is another joke... The band have become so stale this time around, it's almost mind-boggling.

The female vocals are a nice twist. But a little corny. Thomas' vocals are so stupid. He sounds like a kid from high school, who's a total reject. And the voice he uses is a fucking joke. Reminds me of a clown on a football team in America, too. And that dumb intro track with the fucking weird "bass" thumps was so, so stupid... I mean, really. It sounded so "modern" at that time. This band sure did struggle after their 1985 release, I'm not kidding. Even the lyrics are fucking bad, too. They sound so..."dramatic" and "attention-seeking-like".

The guitars are, however, better than everything else on this release. They provide some interesting, smooth riffing of all the strings. Really fancy guitar work and melodic and heavy shredding solos. It's backed-up by the decent bass production in the background, for the actual touch of "vast greatness". The riffs are a little technical, but generally groovy and simplistic. The drums are a little boring. I feel like the drummer is performing more "rock 'n' roll" than"metal" at this point. It's a little dumb. The drumming sounds generally lazier than it should. Not good for a band that has gained such high respects.

You would think that, based on the artwork, that this album would've been good. But no, it's actually pretty bad. The artwork seemed so good, too. A shame it was thrown away because of the horrible ideas that went into the main construction of piece (of shit). I began to hate the record more as it progressed more...and...more...and then I felt it was just a mistake, in general. I'm totally annoyed by the dumb remarks this album creates. It's basically a bad joke. This could have been Celtic's best record, but instead it's the least-best effort...they have given up on themselves this time.

The atmosphere and literal feeling of this album, seem overly childish. It's like living another life in your mind, as a "child" in school and you want to relive your life as an actual child. It feels messed up and I'm not happy at-all about this record turned out. It's almost "uncomfortable" to listen to...even once is difficult, believe me. Everything is so underwhelming, with bad musical ideology. Though, it's worth noting that the artwork's background looks like the "Shadow Realm" from "Yu-Gi-Oh! - Duel Monsters". Probably created by Yami Marik or Yami Bakura. Regardless...the artwork is the second-best part of the record, behind the guitars and their melodies. This album is pretty much on par with everything that "Car Door Dick Smash" have released...period.

You know, I went into this album thinking that this was probably one of those albums that people hate because it's a legendary band playing in a style they're "not supposed" to be playing in, or breaking away from the formula their fans are used to. I tend to actually like some of these albums: Endorama, Requiem, Strange and Beautiful, 90125, even Diabolus in musica (hell, it's Slayer's only worthwhile post-Seasons in the Abyss album as far as I'm concerned), and I even like some glam metal myself. So I figured that with this general track record I might actually enjoy this one. Was I correct about that?

No.
No, I was wrong.
This album is a fucking disaster.

Basically, it's a horrific collision of glam, heavy, and thrash metal, all tied together with Tom Warrior's gloriously sexualized nasal whining in place of any actual singing. To be fair on that last point, we all know Tom isn't really much of a proper "singer" outside of a few songs, but damn, he could have tried something else here. Instead he just groans on at a weirdly high pitch about women and partying and the glam lifestyle of which he obviously knows nothing about and didn't want anything to do with in the first place. It's not surprising that he quickly disowned this album and abhors its very existence.

But while Tom's girly whining is bad, it's at least consistent in what it does. The actual music, though...oh man. The music is complete chaos. There's no proper form to anything being played here. Like I said earlier, the album is a blend of glam, heavy, and thrash metal. Oh, did I say blend? No, they didn't blend them together. They crashed the styles into one another forcibly resulting in one of the most grotesque bastardizations of these genres ever recorded. The songs try so hard to be melodic and catchy while still having a heavy edge to them, with hard rockin' guitar licks and massive, crashing drums, no one seems to know what they're trying to do around here and it's downright embarrasing. People give Prototype, their fucking NU METAL demo, shit for being a disaster, but at least Prototype had focus, some interesting sonic ideas going on, and retained the dark, ominous Celtic Frost atmosphere despite the change in style. This is haphazard and cocophanous.

But you know what the worst part about it all is? You can't stop listening to it. It's bad. It's real bad. But...it's just so damn...bizarre. You keep listening thinking "this can't be real, there can't actually be music out there that sounds like this". So you keep listening, trying to wrap your head around exactly what it is that you're hearing. You try to make sense of the compositions, you try to understand the frame of mind the musicians were in while making this, you try to simply imagine how the creative process must have worked to create the trainwreck of an album that you're listening to. Did they cut-up the pieces and paste different, unrelated sections together and just record what came out? Did they purposefully clash everything together so that their label would regret pushing them into this direction? Was this really, unbelievably, an accident?

Outré. That's a good word to describe this. Outré.

Now I've been bashing it, but it's definitely not the worst album ever, in metal or otherwise. The closing track, "Roses Without Thorns", is a surprisingly decent thrash metal track, and "Cherry Orchards", "Juices Like Wine" (JOOCES LIKE WHIIIINE), and "Dance Sleazy" are catchy enough songs as well. Tracks like "Petty Obsession " and "Blood on Kisses" are near unbearable, though.

But seriously...this is such a damn bizarre release in that 1) the fucking thing even actually exists, and 2) the fact that it even turned out sounding the way it does. And you know what? Yeah, it's bad, but to be honest, there certainly isn't anything else out there that sounds like this. In all complete honesty Cold Lake might actually the most accidentally avant-garde album ever recorded. This is probably one of the most avant-garde metal albums ever made not because it tried to be explicitly experimental, but because it just sounds so unbelievably outrageous.

I'm just glad they didn't try to make a ballad on it. Could you imagine the horror that would have been unleashed from that?

I consider myself pretty forgiving when it comes to glam metal. Some of it can be cheesy and hammy, but it's still such a fun and energetic genre to me, and I admire a ton of it. I'm a fan of bands like Dokken, Poison, Mötley Crüe, Kiss, Twisted Sister you name it. I even adore Pantera's first 4 albums, and consider Metal Magic to be one of the all-time standards for how to make glam metal well. So when I kept hearing things about Celtic Frost's attempt at glam metal, Cold Lake, being as despised and reviled as it is, I was more than ready to give it a shot. I'd never heard a full Celtic Frost song before this, and apart from knowing that they were black metal, I had no prior experience with them. So I had no serious bias going into this. I wanted to love Cold Lake. I truly did. I wanted this to be the little album that could; to be that one hidden gem which deserves another chance at glory someday.

But in the end, I just can't enjoy this album on most levels. Even without many expectations going into it, Cold Lake still let me down. Let's start with my biggest issue: It's bland. REALLY bland. The guitar riffs (if you can call them that) are forgettable, generic, and they don't have the same type of memorable melody or hooks that other glam bands had perfected around this same time period. There aren't any songs where I can easily hum the riff or sing along with the chorus, because it all just kind of blends together to me. Cherry Orchards comes the closest to having a legitimate hook, but it still sounds like a watered down version of Seek and Destroy by Metallica. Seduce Me, Downtown Hanoi and Little Velvet also sound like they have potentially adequate riffs trying to get out, but other than that, this stuff just puts me to sleep. Some of the guitar solos are all right, but nothing remarkable either. They just kind of meander around and don't go for any of the flashy presence I was hoping for.

The second biggest issue I have with Cold Lake is the singing. It's painfully obvious that this type of music isn't Tom Warrior's strong point, nor is it in his comfort zone. Normally I'd applaud any band willing to go outside of what they're used to, but this simply didn't work out or pay off at all. When I think of glam metal, I think of strong and charismatic vocals, memorable harmonized choruses, and a singing range that can go from high to low on a dime. But Tom just doesn't sound like he can pull that off here. He sounds very gruff, monotone and even uncomfortable at times. His voice seems like it's straining to hit any "high notes" on this, and he's trying his damndest to sound sleazy when it just comes off as awkward. For some of these songs, I question if there was even a chorus at all in them. Calling them "out of place" doesn't even begin to cover it. I haven't heard much else of Celtic Frost's catalogue, so it isn't my place to judge Tom as an overall singer on this, especially because I know this is nowhere near Celtic Frost's typical style. But from what I did hear on their other albums, he sounds just fine. Still gruff, baritone and hoarse, but on the other records there's a certain aggressiveness and energy to it, and it fits with the darker metal they're known for. It definitely had its place. But here, he sounds bored and tired a lot of the time, and that's the last thing you should sound like if you want to shoot for glam metal's fun, party style.

If there's anything I can kind of complement on this record, the drumming is fine. I like the use of the cymbals at times (yes, this is how far I have to stretch for a positive), and it sounds about the same as most 80s drum tones did. But like with the guitar playing, the drums also don't do that much outside of the bare necessities either. They keep time well enough and occasionally do something neat, but they're just adequate. One of the bonus tracks, Tease Me, has some energy going on behind the kit, which is nice. But it's too little too late by then. The same thing goes for the bass too. A lot of times it was hard to even hear, so it's tough for me to assess it. The bass I did hear sounded just like the drums did: Adequate. Production-wise, Cold Lake is all right. As stated before, the bass is kind of buried at times, but other than that I don't hear any real errors. It sounds like the standard 80s fare with the slightly echo-ey feel to the drums and vocals, the guitar tone is kind of glossy, and the mixing is mostly okay too. Lyrically, there's not a whole lot to say. They're kind of dark by glam metal standards, which could've been unique and interesting for the genre, but they just don't leave any impression on me. One thing I noticed is that when I went to look up the lyrics, a bunch of songs had no results, which is bizarre. They clearly aren't instrumentals, so I don't know what's going on with that. But with the lyrics I did find, yeah, they're about as bland as the music they go with. Something about wine here, dancing there, and a whole bunch of other nonsensical, directionless drivel that doesn't make any sense. Of course lyrics don't always need to make sense to get some good or fun songs, but the lyrics I could find for Cold Lake's songs just left me scratching my head wondering what these guys were thinking when they were writing them.

I can absolutely see where a lot of the vitriol towards Cold Lake comes from. It's a dull, forgettable, unremarkable and boring album that does almost nothing worth remembering. I couldn't even make this review as long as I wanted it to be, because there's just that little to really say about it. I'm mostly unfamiliar with Celtic Frost, so if even I could be disappointed by this album, then I can only imagine how awful this must've been for the band's more hardcore fans. I've read that this album was made with a whole new lineup, and I've heard from many that this was nothing but a sell-out move on their part. I don't know if I'd say that, however. For an extreme metal band like them, it must've (at the time) seemed like an incredibly risky move to try and dip their feet into the sea of commercialized hair metal. While it obviously failed and fell flat in most ways imaginable, I at least have a touch of respect for Cold Lake as an attempt to try something new. I would rather see any band try something different and fail than to play it safe for their entire careers. In the end, however, there's not much else I can say in its defense. As an attempt to give the glam scene a try, it just didn't work for them. Plenty of other artists and bands from this era were able to work with a more "commercial" sound with great success for a while (in my opinion), so it's not like this couldn't have worked. There was honest to God potential for good music to come out of this. I'll say it again: I wanted Cold Lake to be the little album that could.

But unfortunately, it couldn't.

In the first few years of their post-Hellhammer career, Celtic Frost did quite a bit of climbing up the ladder of musical innovation. To Mega Therion was a dirty and vicious slab of white-hot aggression and Into The Pandemonium brought a good deal of experimentation to their formula. Then, when they'd risen to the top of that metaphorical ladder, Frost proceeded to fall face-first down it, striking its collective nose painfully on each rung and fracturing its skull on the cold concrete floor beneath. Rather than pursuing either of their previously established molds farther, the band followed their earlier underground albums up with a poorly-conceived, poorly-written, and poorly-executed attempt at mainstream success that is rightly seen as a betrayal of their fans and by far the worst mistake of Tom G. Warrior's career (for people who don't know about the obscure Frost demo/trash heap known as Prototype).

This album fails whether you’re a Celtic Frost fan or a hair metal enthusiast. On one hand, most of these riffs and chord progressions are banal and far beneath what these Swiss pioneers are capable of. The bruising riffs, sinister atmosphere and fiery drumwork from To Mega Therion are barely here and, as a result, the dark, evil persona that makes the band's debut full-length so much fun is absent. On the other hand, people who like Poison and Warrant won’t like this either because the music still has too much of Frost’s signature griminess. The evil vibes Frost was known for still manage to creep into the release enough to keep it from ever satisfying any of the weirdos who actually like ‘Cherry Pie’. The power chords are too loud and fuzzy for what the band is trying to do here, not that what they’re trying to do is at all commendable. If you’ve ever wanted to know what glam metal would sound like with the rough production of actual metal, you might want to check this album out solely for research purposes because the results of combining those two is not enjoyable.

Tom’s vocal style, as in every other ill-fated Celtic Frost sonic experiment, does quite a bit of damage here. Plenty of hard rock vocalists have gone for a sleazy stage presence over the years and, with this in mind, Tom’s voice is still far too coarse and slimy to make the attempts at fist pumping choruses in the likes of ‘Cherry Orchards’ and ‘Downtown Hanoi’ work, not that any of these choruses would be good with a different singer. His voice takes the form of an incredibly weak, croaking whine, lacking the range, dynamism, volume, and lung capacity to attempt anything resembling an operatic wail or even a competent melodic verse. Even when the other band members or some session singer named Michelle Villanueve chip in, their performances are half-hearted at best, failing to breathe any amount of life into these limp choruses and hollow verses.

Every now and then something that sounds like a semblance of the old Frost clinging to life can be heard. A few of the riffs in ‘(Once) They Were Eagles’ and a slow, tension-building motherfucker in ‘Downtown Hanoi’ are among the best musical ideas on the album but aren't enough to save even the songs they’re featured in. When a slightly muscular riff you can be somewhat proud of appears, the grimy production actually fits the music, except the snare drum's irritating, hollow tone. There are actually a few sinister riffs that are pretty good (if you can ignore Tom’s misguided attempts at sounding seductive with his weird frog voice) scattered throughout, though of course, they don't fit in with the overall product on display.

Another strength this album has is its absolute lack of catchiness. I’d certainly be a lot more miserable right now if I had any of this material stuck in my head. There’s also no ballad. Now, you might be saying, “How can you count something that’s not there as a plus?” If so, you clearly haven’t thought about what Tom Warrior singing a goddamn ballad, which is already the worst type of hair metal song, would sound like. If such a thing has occurred to you, then you know that the world dodged a hail of bullets there. And not just regular bullets. Big, armor-piercing ones dipped in black mamba venom.

Aside from what the last two paragraph call attention to, nothing about Cold Lake works. The band shows a bit of promise with several riffs that are a little too good for most hair metal albums but sinks its own ship with its execution and all the contradictions inherent in its paradoxical existence. Wanting chart success is understandable but who the hell thought that could be achieved with Tom’s dehydrated old pervert voice hissing all over everything with no sense of tune or rhythm? Or with a complete absence of ear-catching choruses? Or the dirty production? What Cold Lake ends up as is a bastard child that inherited only the absolute worst traits of both parents. The writing is too insultingly simplistic and vapid for Celtic Frost and the tone and delivery too abrasive and slimy for hair metal. If you decide to listen to this, it will become clear almost right away why Tom tries to pretend this album doesn't exist.

Hah! Checkmate observer-expectancy effect! Though I will say it's unfortunate that so many others have fallen victim.

I'm not going to praise Cold Lake as if it were the apogee of Frost's discography; because truthfully it's not. It's a step down from their more universally accepted efforts for quite obvious reasons. You won't find any Jewel Thrones or Circle of the Tyrants, but rather a uniquely interesting blend of the signature Celtic Frost essence with a hefty peppering of late 80's sleaze cheese (good sleaze cheese at that). I'm willing to bet that the single digit scores this album receives are given by people who can't stand the thought of a band as sui generis as Celtic Frost sticking their toe in the pools of commerciality; even if just to test the waters.

I suppose I can't totally blame the masses for being too quick to turn their heads, as the album in question starts off, well, questionably. Even taking the stylistic change of direction into consideration, the minute long intro will probably cause you to momentarily inquire, "Gee, did I leave my Living Colour CD in the disc drive?" Further exasperating the damage is a number by the name of Seduce Me Tonight. Not an abhorrent track (bar the chorus) but the riffs leave little to be desired. Petty Obsession does little to amend the wound, but then side A concludes with three of the (dare I say?) greatest tracks Cold Lake has to offer. There's not a whole lot to talk about regarding side B, but I assure you there's nothing offensive to be heard.

The team who engineered and mixed the record didn't do a shabby job either. Curt Bryant's bass has a fair amount of bounce to it, Priestly's drums are punchy, and all of the instruments are prominent without overpowering each other. Performance-wise the band is solid, though Tom's voice isn't exactly compatible with the type of music they set out to play. Like the album itself, there's nothing too offensive about his performance.

Someone has to say it, and Ill be much obliged to step up and do just that. It's not impressive by any means. But on the flip side; there's nothing astronomically wrong with this album. Yes, I (along with just about everyone else) would have preferred another To Mega Therion; but I'll take what I get and I won't throw a fit. Cold Lake, like the band who birthed it, is a species entirely of it's own. Give the album a listen, best case scenario, you'll find that it's a unique little gem; worst case scenario, you can laugh hysterically at it. Either way I'll be more than happy to defend the album and appreciate it for what it is.

Final verdict: There's nothing too offensive to be heard, and (Once) They Were Eagles is a badass tune.

The second best songs of Sabaton are those which have never been released. The best songs of Sabaton are those which have never been written. The songs of Celtic Frost's "Cold Lake" are even better than the best songs of the aforementioned velvet battalion of commercially oriented "metal". Congratulations from my side. Nevertheless, they are anything else but good.

The biggest disadvantage of the album is not the music itself, although the majority of the compositions is truly mediocre or even bad. Shit happens. What really annoys me is the fact that Celtic Frost sacrificed their reputation without any cause whatever. Did they really think they will start a rock star career when opening their zippers and releasing simple, mid-paced, fairly powerless songs? If this was the case, I am dismayed. How can people be so naive?

One of the worst and most stupid intros in the history of mankind opens the album. Funny guys at work! Even "Cold Lake" does not deserve such an intro, because some songs have a relatively dark aura, not least because of the slightly dull sound. Too bad that the first regular track does not belong to these tracks. The band made no secret of its desire to enter the charts. All former ideals had been jettisoned. What a shame. Honestly, to listen to Thomas Gabriel (formerly known under a different name, if I am not mistaken) how he is begging "Seduce Me Tonight" - this is no nice experience. Fortunately, a few songs of "Cold Lake" have a higher potential. "Juices Like Wine" suffers from a faceless chorus, but its main riff shines with a certain currishness and, among other things, the well accentuated double bass is responsible for some more or less dramatic tempo intensifications. The less aggressive "Cherry Orchards" contains an effective, desperate chorus. Its atmosphere fits the sub title of the track ("Roses for an Unborn Face") in a very good manner. "Downtown Hanoi" has comparable vibes due to its dark aura. But it would be a lie to say that one can find elements of the "true Celtic Frost" in these songs.

Anyway, songs like "Little Velvet" or "Blood on Kisses" are absolutely meaningless, ill-defined and lame. Needless to say that the slimy "Petty Obsession" also falls by the wayside. All these pieces are prone to sleepy riffs and anaemic lines, but they are crowned by the ridiculous style of Mr. Gabriel, who tries to offer new facets. Okay, this is a very polite description. Frankly speaking, he adds insult to injury. Whenever he intends to sound seductive, his unnatural behaviour makes me sick, but the riffs, the chorus and any other details are terrible as well. Not to mention the icky band photos. For example, the picture of Curt Victor Bryant on the inner sleeve revealed that he was not able to cross the street without foreign aid. Due to his embarrassing hair styling, he was actually blind. Anyway, all band members looked like clowns of the cheapest circus in town. "Dance Sleazy"? Take your last breath would also be a good idea.

Now what has this got to do with a piss band like Sabaton? Admittedly, not much. But guys who release moronic albums like "Cold Lake" deserve to be associated with the most senseless formations of the universe. Our egocentric friend Joey DeMaio also wants to be mentioned in this context? So be it.

In a genre where profanity and lyrics about violence is rather common, there are still some unmentionable things which offend the metal legions. Celtic Frost's Cold Lake is one of these unmentionables. It is regarded as one of metal's worst abominations, sharing a place in a pantheon of rubbish alongside such luminaries as Lulu, Load, Risk, Illud Divinum Insanus and The Unspoken King.

But what happens if we strip away Celtic Frost's earlier and later endeavours and legacy and view Cold Lake on its own? Firstly, contrary to popular belief, the music is not glam metal. This album doesn't have much to do with the likes of Ratt, Poison or even the heavier moments of Twisted Sister or Mötley Crüe. Instead, the music is mid-paced dirty thrash tinged heavy metal with punky vocals. The production is still quite crusty and there is certainly no polished glam metal sheen here. But to be fair, some of the lyrics are on the glam metal side of things. In some ways the albums sounds too old for 1988 since the riff structure and overall sound harkens more to early 1980s NWOBHM.

But then the question arises: is it good? And the answer is: for the most part it's not too bad. In fact, bits of it are quite good for 1980s heavy metal.

For example, "(Once) They Were Eagles" has a nice driving riff, a catchy chorus and a great little solo. Also "Cherry Orchards", which has a massive riff, some nice fat bass and some appropriately slutty female vocals. Even "Dance Sleazy" is a bit of fun with lots of archetypal chug riffs. There are many other cool moments too if you like the 1980's riffs. Some elements could have been better; the intro for example is downright irritating. And Tom Warrior's slightly raspy clean vocals aren't the greatest, but then again, they never have been. At times they grate, but they have done so on other releases before. The lyrics are dismal for the most part.

Some songs are quite poor; "Blood On Kisses" sounds like a meager version of some of Anvil's mediocre modern moments, but is generally inoffensive enough to allow continued listening. But even though the album does run out of steam closer to the end, Cold Lake is far more consistent than the schizophrenic, and in my opinion seriously flawed, Into The Pandemonium. The at times strained clean vocals and lame lyrics aren't that far removed from what Celtic Frost had done in the past either.

Don't listen to the album if you want proto-black or avantgarde metal. Certainly don't listen to if you have expectations of what Celtic Frost is meant to sound like. Listen to it if you want a sleazy, gritty and thrashy heavy metal album with some cool riffs.

Well, well, well...Celtic Frost's worst album, the rocker "Cold Lake". This album is Celtic Frost's worst experiment, but is it as bad as everyone says it is? Well...This album should not have been released by the mighty Celtic Frost. It should have been made as a side project, because this album really does not deserve to brand the Celtic Frost name. The band is not even thrilled with this album, which is why it is no longer in print or available to fans for purchase, unless you're willing to shell out one hundred dollars on eBay. Oh, the 1980's were both a fantastic time for metal, as well as a terrible time for metal. While CF's albums prior to this one showcase the excellence of the 80's metal scene, this one showcases the tragic aspect of it. Thrash and early death/black metal plagued the band's previous albums, making them all classics. This album, however, took a turn down the glam metal/hard rock sound and definitely steered the band in the wrong direction. Now, is this album all bad? No, actually.

This album, as mentioned previously, should not have branded the Celtic Frost name. Because it does, however, it had standards to live up to. "Morbid Tales", "To Mega Therion", and the experimental yet very interesting "Into the Pandemonium" are classic albums, all necessary listens for anyone who is trying to, or already does, listen to extreme metal. They all influenced the then-burgeoning first-wave black and early death metal scenes, but are also considered classics in the underground thrash metal scene. This album came out only one year after "Into the Pandemonium", so I imagine Celtic Frost fans were very excited about new CF music...until they popped the disk into their walkmans. They were treated to some type of radio-friendly metal that sounded like a more musically capable version of Twisted Sister or White Lion, but with more bite and slightly more aggression. I can just imagine the look on some of their faces...too bad I wasn't born until 1994, otherwise, I would have been right there with them. It takes a few listens to even appreciate this album as a decent hard rock album, because if this was released by some other less extreme band, it would probably have been highly regarded as one of the few albums in the glam genre that doesn't totally suck.

The guitar work on this album is actually pretty fun at times. There are plenty of good solos to go around, and this is one thing Celtic Frost has pretty much been good at their entire career. It doesn't really matter which album you listen to, with Celtic Frost, you're going to get amazing guitar work at best, and listenable guitar work at worst. This is their worst, so it's listenable most of the times, and also good at times. Take the guitar solos in "Seduce Me Tonight" (which is otherwise a very stupid song), "Petty Obsession", "Cherry Orchards", "Little Velvet", and "Dance Sleazy" (also a very stupid song otherwise). Those solos kick a ton of ass, and are easily the best moments on the entire album. The guitar work in "(Once) They Were Eagles" should be noted, too, as it is very groovy, especially in the intro. It is probably the most thrashy song on the album. This song does have a pretty cool solo in it as well. The guitar work is the best part of the album, and is usually not what Celtic Frost fans generally complain about when talking (or ranting, rather) about this album. "Downtown Hanoi" features some more good riffage, although it sounds like it could be on the radio, easily, which is one of my problems with this album. While the guitar work is actually cool most of the time, the sound overall is very commercial. What happened to the rawness of "Morbid Tales" and the experimental complexity of "Into the Pandemonium"?! Well...they wanted to be cool. So, they decided to be cool? Oh well, the guitar work is definitely somewhat of a highlight of the album, if not the only real highlight.

The drums are just generic. In fact, it seems like Stephen Priestly, who only played on two full-lengths with Celtic Frost, one being this one and the other being "Vanity/Nemesis" released in 1990, just played the same drumline throughout most of the album's duration. He is not playing the thrashy drums that Reed St. Mark played when he was in the band. Instead, he plays in a style that 1990's Metallica would use: simplistic drumming with no double bass or blast beats. Now, for what the style of music this album has, this style of drumming does its justice. Blast beats on a glam metal albums would sound like shit. They would be out of place and messy. So, if you came to this album for spectacular drumming, look away. If you wanted blast beats, double bass, d-beat, or any other style of drumming that comes with thrash metal, you won't find it here. The drumming is so simple, I am actually capable of playing it. And I don't consider myself a drummer, at all. The bass is not even audible so it's not worth talking about.

Now....here we get to the worst part of the whole fucking album: the vocals. Or the "singing" or whatever the heck you want to call it. It's pretty bad, though. I don't know what Mr. Tom G. Warrior was thinking. Well...he obviously wasn't thinking clearly, because he let this album be released, but in all seriousness, this is his worst vocal job in the band's entire career. I'll be honest, I love Celtic Frost, always have and always will, but Warrior was never my favourite vocalist. Sure, he's good at what he does (except for this album) but there are definitely better vocalists out there. The vocals on this album sound very whiny at times, with the songs "Little Velvet" and "Dance Sleazy" in particular. However no matter how whiny the vocal performance on those songs are, "Downtown Hanoi" is his worst on the album. Just the way he says "Downtown Hanoi" irritates me. It's awkward and cheesy. If it weren't for the decent guitars on this album, the vocals would overshadow the guitars more than they do already and the album would be a lot worse. The lyrics are also downright stupid. See "Seduce Me Tonight" for example. I mean...really? The entire album's lyrical content is similar to that of Motley Crue's.

So basically, what we have here is something different from Celtic Frost, and while there is a silver lining in the form of guitar work, the albums is overall listenable at best, generic, average, nothing special at all...etc. If you want to get into Celtic Frost, check out their "Morbid Tales" album first.

Pros:
Guitar work, particularly solos
The drums work for the style of music

Cons:
Stupid lyrics
Vocals aren't that good
While the drums work fine, they are generic
It takes too much influence from glam metal
Too much of a drastic change from their evil thrash sound of old
Not enough variation

As if anyone needs another person telling them that this album should be passed up on when browsing this timeless band's discography, I figured I'd give the notion even more reinforcement. If you're wondering why I myself have and have listened to this album (willingly), it's actually really simple. I had every other album, so I figured I'd complete the collection. And to be honest, that is the only reason you should get this album. As far as entertainment value goes, this is a big ol' doodee dud. It stinks and is quite painful to listen to.

But if it were any other band (ya know, like a glam band), it'd be fine. Comparing this to Motley Crue and Twisted Sister and what have yous that I've listened to, musically this is actually better. The Warrior has always been a master songwriter, able to put that dreary, sludgy vibe on any riff he writes, and his ability to play unique solos has always been a subject of awe for me and others. Here, however, it seems as though he watered himself down to reach a more commercial sound. Where his guitars once had that great odd tone coupled with such force, like a haymaker thrown at an odd angle, now they kind of throw lazy jabs. No real force behind them, just a little taptaperoo to let you know it’s there. But the tone is still vaguely there, that weird guitar tone that Tom still uses today on Triptykon (as I said, he gets that atmosphere on whatever and wherever he plays). Couple that with his drunken frog vocals he displays here as opposed to his tortured roar of the past and I must ask, 'how the fuck was this supposed to be commercial?'.

There's no doubt that’s what this was an attempt to do; to try and get a foot in that mainstream door after the moderate buzz the band got after Into the Pandemonium, but who the fuck thought this would work? All in all, the album still sounds a bit darker than what the radio listeners want to hear, and your singer sounds so off-putting. Seriously, I don't think there is a vocal performance more awkward to listen to then on this album. This style of 'singing' would be used again, albeit much improved on Vanity/Nemesis, but here it's a bit of a mess. A mess that I could still get into if it wasn't for the main reason I leave this album with a bad taste in my mouth.

So this actually sounds better than most glam albums, and I don't mind glam (LOVE YOU DAVID BOWIE! ;)). But what drags this album down to the bottom of the shit pile, is having to hear Tom Warrior, the man who challenged the metal (in particular extreme metal) world by writing thoughtful lyrics that are about subjects beyond sex, drugs, partying, women, and Satan, sing these lyrics. I laughed out loud when I first heard him awkwardly squeal "Seduce me.... TONIGHT!" It just isn't right. It doesn't fit the music, it doesn't fit his voice. From sexual serial killer Gilles de Rays and what’s beyond life and all a matter of great subjects to tackle, to this drivel, in a feeble attempt to appease the masses petty obsession (ha) with the superficial. Dancing? Women? Sex? Come on Tom!! It almost physically hurts to hear these things by a band I so adore.

Do you really need me to tell you about the bass tone and the drum fills and everything else? Why are you even still reading? Well, I will say as far as the stuff that keeps this thing's ugly head from going underwater goes, side 1 actually has a fair number of memorable moments. Ignoring the lyrics to Seduce Me Tonight, the chorus riff actually gets me bobbing my head a bit. They Were Eagles has some of that old school Frost thrash flavor to it that makes it probably my favourite on here. Cherry Orchards and Juices Like Wine are actually pretty decent overall, and though not as memorable musically as the aforementioned, they at least don't suffer too much from mind-numbing lyrics.

Side 2 is mostly worthless other than the pretty rocking riffs of Downtown Hanoi. These recommendations really are just me grasping at straws, though. If you're going to buy this to complete your Celtic Frost collection, it's actually a pretty neat collectible as they probably will never re-release it. But, like me, even when you own it, you're going to have to force yourself pretty hard to listen to it, but I'll give it some points for its cool factor as a collectible and for the few memorable classic Warrior riffs. For those who don't collect and only buy to listen, I listened to it so you don't have to!

For trying to get their foot in the door while planting firmly on our faces, Cold Lake gets a generous 30 out of 100 or a 1 out of 5.
Highlights:
(Once) They Were Eagles
It's rare, and I like that kind of thing.
The outfits in the band pictures are worth a few chuckles.

It's confusing how a band can be scaling towards the summit of its creative expression one year and then diving off a cliff the next, but in the case of the much maligned Cold Lake, that is exactly what transpired. I purchased the album when it was released in stores, with zero foreknowledge of its stylistic deviation from Into the Pandemonium, no advance screen of the "Cherry Orchards" video. About the only hint I had that the mighty had possibly fallen would have been the purple cover art, removal of the classic Celtic Frost logo and replacement with some iconic, chrome and cherry tinted logo against a nebulous purple haze. But frankly, this was nothing really unusual for the time. Saxon's Destiny, Van Halen's earlier output and a host of other metal and hard rock recordings used such stripped down, emblematic images to represent themselves, so it wasn't a deal breaker.

However, I could never have expected what came next: the enormously disappointing paradigm shift in the band's songwriting, a complete antithesis to the exotic wizardry that defined Into the Pandemonium or the leaden crushing of To Mega Therion. Celtic Frost had more or less 'gone glam', its creator surrounded by a host of new (and old) musicians and perhaps too accommodating to their desires and ideas. Tom G. Warrior has since condemned this record, citing that its faults were a result of the new four piece band dynamic and his desire to let loose and have a little fun, letting guitarist Oliver Amberg (who played briefly in Hellhammer) write a chunk of the material. That after a disappointing US tour and a perhaps too hasty decision to end the band, he was only too thrilled to experience its swift resurrection and share its fate with eager band mates. But I do have to wonder, as the heart and soul of this band, if part of the change in style was due to some inner fascination the man had with glam metal or commercial hard rock...I mean, whatever the excuse, he still signed his name to it, played on the record and appeared in the video.

There were a lot of fans who crossed over between the popular MTV garbage and the heavier speed/thrash, one dominating the mainstream, the other the underground. Both had their presence in high schools, colleges, clubs and radio playlists everywhere. But it's hard to qualify Cold Lake as a pure transformation into 'glam metal', because it didn't sound a hell of a lot like what you were hearing out of the shitty party rock bands like Poison or Warrant. This is more like 'pseudo glam'. There is still an ugly, chugging monstrosity lurking somewhere under the eaves of this record, only it'd been obfuscated beneath the facade of a bunch of hair sprayed Euro-rockers who seemed more into racing Aston Martins through Alpine speedways with a martini in one hand and the lingerie of some hair sprayed groupie slut in the other, than continuing to excel and expand the boundaries of their genre like the album's predecessor. I must admit, my very first thoughts upon listening through this album were that the band was being ironic, 'trolling' the audience with some avant-garde mockery of a scene they all loathed, thinking so far outside of the box that they placed themselves back INSIDE the box.

As history reveals, though, this was clearly not what was happening. Now, before I proceed any further, let's talk about 'image'. The fact that the band were dowsing themselves in ozone depletion or dressed in tight fitting, frilly or fancy clothes was not necessarily a huge concern of mine. I get the whole 'glam' thing, as much as I rebelled against it through high school and still sneer at it to this day, it's always been a park of the rock world. Boys like to play dress up just as girls do, and while some took and still take it to broad extremes (Japan's 'visual kei'), but for many in the Sunset Strip or traditional European metal scenes, it was just how things were done, an acceptable practice in the 80s by the raving legions of drooling fangirls and by extension, all the dudes who wanted to get in their pants. For me to write off Celtic Frost's momentary lapse into vanity as a critical fumble would be hypocritical while simultaneously ignoring the dolly wardrobes of Fifth Angel, or W.A.S.P., whose dress codes were absolutely ridiculous (i.e. retarded) and almost never seem to draw ire for it; or the many other bands who felt such a superficial allure when their music and lyrics were drawn from a deeper well.

So if Celtic Frost wanted to look like a mirror image of Hanoi Rocks, so what? The real issue for me is how this image and attitude also permeated the musical content. While Into the Pandemonium was no stranger to intricate seductions through the sensual female vocals or lyrical prose, the shallower chorus sequences to "Dance Sleazy", "Juices Like Wine" or "Tease Me" are unquestionably lame. You're still getting a lot of mystical, oblique imagery here in lines like 'obsessed with lies, in arms of sleep' or 'masking fears of silent decline', redolent of what you might read on the prior record, but the context in which they appear feels cheesy and dumbed down to the lowest common denominator. What's worse, Tom's voice sounds like a transvestite frog with a severe hernia. We'd heard his Gothic whining in the past, and it suited the music pretty well for several of the cuts off Pandemonium, but here it becomes almost unbearable when he hocks a loogie of 'check this out' during the first riff of "Seduce Me Tonight", or erupts into the plaintive whimpering of the chorus to "Juices Like Wine" or "Little Velvet", the latter of which is the second most painful point to experience on the whole album.

The first, of course, is the horrendous hip hop intro "Human". I was more than willing to excuse the amateurish proto-industrial beats of "One in Their Pride" from Into the Pandemonium, because it was an interesting choice in subject matter and experimentation. Here, though, such 'open mindedness' doesn't seem even remotely like a good idea, nor does it match the tone of the remaining record, and so Cold Lake is automatically off to a terrible start. Another questionable decision was to leave in the snippets of mic chatter after the band did their takes at the ends of many of the tracks. I realize they were trying to seem all lighthearted, organic and raw, but they make the songs even more difficult to approach with any semblance of seriousness. I must also point out that there are a few riffs here which seem to have been lazily or unconsciously retread through the album: the opening guitar in "Blood on Kisses" sounds quite a lot like "Seduce Me Tonight", and the groove in "Little Velvet" sounds similar to the verse riffing in "Cherry Orchards".

Yet, despite its many flaws and disappointments, the sense of utter revulsion and betrayal that the album evokes in me as in many others, I cannot entirely write it off, and never have. The reason being that, for what its worth (and that's not a lot), I generally find myself nodding along to various of the riffs, digging some of the guitar progressions. In fact, had the goal of Warrior and his new crew been solely to write a raw, back to basics Celtic Frost record, I don't think it would have received such negative blowback. Tracks like "Cherry Orchids", with its straight and airy guitars, pumping bass, male/female vocal interchange, or "Petty Obsession", bristling with memorable mutes and chords in an admittedly charismatic flow, would have been more than acceptable if not for Warrior's sobbing timbre. "Downtown Hanoi" and "Roses Without Thorns" have some muscular, semi-memorable riffs as well, the latter with a cute and bluesy curve to it around 1:10. "(Once) They Were Eagles" and "Juices Like Wine" have some solid, inherent melodies in their chords which wouldn't have been out of place for a band like Queensryche or King Diamond.

That's a pretty good chunk of the album, that, handled differently, might have salvaged some dignity. Granted, even if this were recorded with a more modern Monotheist production, Tom growling throughout and far heavier drumming, it still wouldn't be as interesting as the two previous albums, but I certainly feel there's enough to the song structures that they're not a total waste, and thus I've never held this album so low as a lot of those staggering disappointments of the 90s that were foisted upon us by more popular acts. I hold Cold Lake in higher regard than, say, Load or Diabolus in Musica, The Least Successful Human Cannonball or Stomp 442, but that's not saying a lot, since these are essentially feces given musical form, so bad they stink across the decades. But then, it's not like Cold Lake is a whiff of fresh breath, either, and many of the criticisms leveled at it are all too glaring with veracity.

From a studio standpoint, one might argue that Tony Platt's production job did the material little enough service. Quite an experienced engineer, his experience lay in a lot of NWOBHM or hard rock albums from AC/DC, Samson, Trust, Krokus, Motörhead and so forth, so it's not an inappropriate terrible match, but the vocals and leads feel a bit on the loud side, and though I don't have a personal problem with the airiness created through the reverb (a common trait in the 80s), it doesn't make for the most potent rhythm guitar tone which might have contributed to overall heaviness. Jan Nemec's work on Into the Pandemonium was far more impressive and refined. Stephen Priestly had previously appeared on the Morbid Tales EP, but his drumming here is little more than standard hard rock fare circa Bobby Blotzer, Tommy Lee, etc. The leads are relatively interesting, messy and wailing, yet well defined enough to shift favorably alongside the supporting rhythms. There's not a lot wrong with Michelle Villanueva's sultry guest vocals, but in the Cold Lake context ("Cherry Orchards", "Little Velvet") they come off almost as corny as Warrior himself.

In summation, this is not an album I feel so strongly against that I'll curse it to the end of my existence. Of the many thousands of metal recordings I've experienced through my years, there are a good number I find more irritating and outright offensive. But at best, the songwriting is weak and misguided, a textbook case of what NOT to do when your band is an established cult favorite, regardless of how much you're seeking acceptance after a perceived slump in momentum. What were they thinking? That their underground audience was going to somehow forget who they were, or what they represented for extreme metal? That somehow the larger glam audience was going to accept their dirty, heavier riffing and herniated toad eroticism in lieu of "Talk Dirty to Me", "Smokin' in the Boys Room" or "Living on a Prayer"? It boggles the mind, but more regrettably, it's a tragedy that some decent riffs were thrown to the wolves, sentenced to drown, down with the rest of the ship. I wish I had more to say in its favor, as I don't hate it down to the guts like so many others, but there's just no happy ending for Cold Lake, and there never will be.

-autothrall
http://www.fromthedustreturned.com

Celtic Frost never betrayed me. For one, I was born two years late to even be alive at the very instant this was released. However, while the band’s fanbase was indeed pissed off (for the most part), it would be another seventeen or so years before I even checked out Celtic Frost for myself. I didn’t really care much for them, considering that I latched onto my second wave black metal tighter than a baby and some candy. A little while later, sure, I checked them out again, but it was Vanity / Nemesis that won me over with its nasty riffs and bitter attitude. The vocals were one thing, and I never considered Tom G. that good of a vocalist – he’s like Mustaine (his vocals only work for his own band). However, I will admit that I knew about Cold Lake and its notoriety and was curiously lured into it more than the famous material that legitimizes the band…

… and Cold Lake is indeed catchy. “Cherry Orchards” was my introduction, and for everything negative that I will say about this in a few moments, I will say that it is pretty addicting. The rest of the album doesn’t nearly hold up to the same infectious-levels of this one song because they’re all disjointed. However, this one “hit” - the incredibly simplistic riff, the hollow drumming, the lifeless persona, and the laidback vibe - all make for one easy song to be interrupted by. Once again, the whole album doesn’t exactly have this taste to it, but this one song always brings me back to laugh at and cherish in my own special way.

To be the Devil’s advocate, it’s not really an entirely bad album at the core. It’s a far shot away from 1st wave black / thrash and all that, but Vanity / Nemesis is just a 10X better version of this without all the negatives. The image is one thing that definitely lures you into the wrong direction, but the bass guitar is furious and grumbles well among the mid-paced tempo of the album as a whole. It catches your attention when the guitars move between tame-thrash and typical glam rock riffs (“Juices Like Wine” and “Downtown Hanoi” (a little, but not to say that they’re good)) – straightforward, but effective in providing a memorable groove. Rarely is solo halfway decent, like with “(Once) They Were Eagles” where the solo bends and twists passionately before spiraling like fireworks. Production isn’t too bad overall, with the bass once more the liveliest of the bunch.

Now excuse me while I go do some stretches…

All right, Cold Lake is a sorry excuse of an album that failed heavy metal fans, failed attracting new fans, failed music as a whole, failed attempting to be half-decent glam rock (even by piss-poor ‘90s standards, which are gutter-level), failed in it’s image, and ultimately failed to have any purpose to exist any longer than one measly release day. It’s such bogus, regurgitated garbage with no character except that of its infamy. It’s laughable, primitive, and incredibly embarrassing to have this thing clinging to your legacy, and it’s tough shit that Tom had to give up on the creative control to ease the burden with the band and the record label.

Mind you that I’m not even that big of a Celtic Frost fan, nor was I there to be betrayed by them, but I’ve heard Zarach ‘Baal’ Tharagh demos I’d consider just a hair above this (I’d still take this over those, though). Going back to “Cherry Orchards,” we see everything that’s wrong even for glam rock. For one, the music video is atrocious and incredibly fake – poodle-hairdos flailing from guys who look like blue-collar moms in clothes that’d make Vanilla Ice turn tail and run. Tom, while never really that great of a vocalist, really sounds like a retard. I’m not sorry that I have to use that word to accurately describe these vocals – he’s literally eating and whining his way through the song – and he’s putting effort into doing them properly like he needs to get the style down correctly. This, plus the addition of those dull, meandering, inert female vocals will make any man go limp in a second; plan backfired there, Amberg.

The riffs run together pretty quickly and no urge arises where you feel like listening to these songs again. It’s catchy, I guess, but nowhere near the level of Mötley Crüe or most any other heavy metal / glam rock band. Warrant’s “Cherry Pie,” as much of a bullshit waste of imagination that song happens to be, stands tall and mighty over this album. These Cold Lake riffs don’t have any real hook to keep you interested, and the rest of the band members don’t do much to spice up the songs. Bass is one thing, but to have a piss-poor back-up plan like bashing cacophonous drums and a zombie on vocals doesn’t sound like a back-up plan I’d be comfortable with. The rest of the solos on the album are squeaky and too sharp compared to the dry (structure and) music, but none of them compare to “(Once) They Were Eagles” – the only thing all these other solos spiral like is shit spiraling down the toilet. Those drums are the real coffin-nailer, though; the hollow snares are so unbearable and similar beats constantly dominate the patterns.

The guitar tone itself gets old quickly – this dehydrated tone with no power or resonance that represents the shallow songs they serve. “Little Velvet” builds up overwhelmingly at the start, but by the time Tom’s vocals grovel their way into the mix the whole thing is finished. The pop structure and exact same formula for each song (except the intro, which is abysmal anyway) has no method of persuasion and bores me to death, which is odd since most pop songs following this formula end up being catchy enough to keep me interested for another ten seconds.

Just stay away from this – no real good can come out of it. You might enjoy one thing from it (maybe), but it’s not worth the time and energy when you can be listening to any of the band’s other albums or pretty much damn near anything else. Shit, just check out early Mötley Crüe and W.A.S.P. for some real killer heavy metal that wipes the floor with Cold Lake.

Celtic Frost is a great band, and Tom Warrior is one of the most creative guys out there as far as songwriting goes. However, you certainly wouldn't know that by listening to this piece of garbage. Not that you would be exposed to them through Cold Lake, as it has deliberately been skipped over when Celtic Frost's albums were all remastered, thus making it hard to find. Also, with all the rave reviews of Morbid Tales and To Mega Therion, compared to all the damnation this album has received (especially by Celtic Frost themselves - it was once even listed as an "Abomination" on their website instead of as an "Album"), it is highly unlikely that anybody would buy or download this lump of shit instead of one of their other albums. It is far more likely that somebody downloaded this album out of curiosity, wanting to see if this album is really as bad as it's made out to be. Now, this isn't the worst album ever made. This isn't even the worst "metal" album ever made. It is better than St. Anger (though definitely not by very much). However, it's still pretty godawful and is certainly ranks very low as far as metal albums go.

For those who have heard Celtic Frost before (and who hasn't?), try to imagine Celtic Frost playing an album of covers of hair metal songs after having had their balls crushed by sledgehammers on anvils (see what I did there?). If you can comprehend that, you should have a pretty good idea of what this album sounds like. The guitar tone completely lacks power, and for every potentially decent riff played there are about 15 totally forgettable ones (there are maybe 30 riffs on the entire album of 12 songs). The bass is somewhat audible, but it might as well not be because it adds nothing to the music. The drums are very unremarkable, except for the snare drum, which sounds like St. Anger's quieter cousin. Tom's vocals, however, actually have power... the power to make you want to puke just listening to them. Instead of the signature grunt he uses for Hellhammer and the other Celtic Frost albums, he uses an unbelievably obnoxious, nasal, half-shouted whine that is about as far from metal as you can imagine. It's pretty funny to listen to for a little while, but it ultimately leaves you with a feeling that you lost brain cells from listening to them.

After the intro passes (which happens to be called Human, just like the intro on Morbid Tales, even though the two intros couldn't sound any more different), you are greeted with the two best songs on the album: Seduce Me Tonight and Petty Obsession. Each song has a riff that isn't 100% forgettable (instead being 99% forgettable). They also have solos that, in all honesty, aren't any worse than the completely unnecessary catscratch solos that are on a couple of early Celtic Frost songs. That said, these songs are still pretty bad, and if they're the best songs on the album, that must mean that this album is going to get really awful, right?

Well, the next song is Cherry Orchards, which may very well be one of the most annoying hair metal songs ever written (including songs by Poison and the like). The shit-tastic riffs almost seem good compared to Tom Warrior's "I'm trying to impersonate a child with down syndrome" vocals, which are at the absolute worst on this song. But wait - that's not it! Once he shuts up, you're greeted to a pathetic attempt at being "lustful" with a female spoken word passage. Then, you listen to Tom sing again, then the same female bit is played, then you get a really shitty solo, then the song's over. The rest of the album isn't quite this bad (though Downtown Hanoi gets pretty close), but it is entirely forgettable and is a complete waste of time to listen to. One thing to note is that, in the middle of the bonus track Tease Me, the riff for Procreation of the Wicked is played for a few seconds. I found this to be in very poor taste - what are they doing trying to shit up that riff by putting it in an album like this?

All in all, this is a really bad album, even for hair metal. If you wanted to listen to it just for shits and giggles, all you need to do is listen to Cherry Orchards. Every other song on the album sounds the same (though not QUITE as annoying, and without female vocals), and listening to just that one song should deter most from wanting to listen to the rest of the album. Plus, you would only be wasting 4 minutes and not 45 minutes by listening to it (seriously, how the fuck can they make 45 minutes of shit this bad and repetitive?)

8%, because it's better than St. Anger (which would be a 6-7%) and bands too bad to mention, metal or non-metal. That doesn't mean you should listen to this album if you have ANYTHING better to do.

Celtic Frost and Glam Rock are both things I know next to nothing about. My knowledge of Celtic Frost begins and ends with the one Hellhammer EP that I own, and my knowledge of Glam Rock is based entirely on the annoying-but-still-catchy strains that I hear on the radio all the time. 'Cherry Pie', 'Girls, Girls, Girls' and a few random Poison ballads.

So while my opinion on these two completely different takes on music are uninformed (to say the least), I don't need to know much to realize that they're effectively incompatible. Hellhammer was trashy, dirty and rebellious, whereas Glam Rock is all about being attracting the ladies and rocking out to some MTV-approved tunes. "Perhaps," I thought, "Perhaps Celtic Frost subtly changed their style over time, so it might fit well?"

And that is were this album fails.

Because as far as I can tell, this is effectively Hellhammer (played by much more skilled musicians) being squeezed, forced, hammered into a Glam Rock mould. And so it's not surprising to see that it fails on both fronts. The riffs are really, really quiet, and it would be an epic understatement to say that they're 'watered down'. They've been watered down until there's almost none of the originial content left- but yet, there's enough of the old sound to give the more glammy tunes a real sour taste in your mouth.

And this, really, is where Celtic Frost let us down. Now if they had sold out and released a decent mainstream rock album (think: Metallica's s/t), then I would've been a lot more lenient. Perhaps a 50%. Instead, though, we have one of the worst glam rock albums- one of the worst albums of any genre- ever. Let's start with the vocals. It seems pretty clear to me that for a glam album to succeed, you need a good vocalist. One with "attitude". Now, I'm sure Tom G has that, but there is one thing he's lacking: vocal skills. Everything is just yelled kind of awkwardly, with no consideration whatsoever to catchy melodies (or staying in key for that matter). It's one of those rare performances that is both incredibly irritating and yet instantly forgettable.

And don't get me started on the rest of this abortion. Pointless, incredibly boring thrash/glam guitar riffs that make you want to stick steak knifes in your ears, one of the most obnoxious snare drum sounds EVER, and annoying incredibly wanky solos. Oh, and the incredibly bad attempt at sounding sexy with the spoken female word bit in 'Cherry Orchards'. Damn, this sucks balls. This was so bad that upon hearing the first song, I thought it was a joke, a parody. But it doesn't seem to be the case, which is unfortunate. Failure on an epic level, AVOID at all costs.