Metal Missionary

Note to self: Don’t get an album solely because it contains a cover of a band you like. This goes double if that band is Spinal Tap.

First of all, this is the Chainsaw from Holland, not any of the seven other bands listed on Metal-archives with that name. (There are also no less than 20 bands named Armageddon, and those are just the ones who managed to spell it correctly.) Chainsaw plays thrash metal that just doesn’t distinguish itself from the crowd. The playing isn’t offensive or anything, it’s just pedestrian (with a few exceptions, such as godawful drumming on a few tracks and a few guitar solos which sound like the notes were chosen at random).

The lyrics try to be amusing and even socially relevant at times, but they just sound like a middle schooler trying to sound edgy. For example, here’s a verse from “Hand of God,” a song about plastic surgery:

I’ll cut you up I like it tight
I’ll lift your breasts because they just don’t look right
Your legs are fat I’ll suck them slim
I’ll re-create you until you look divine

I understand that English isn’t these guys’ first language, but I can’t ignore lyrics like this when the vocals are this lame. The singer sounds little better than some guy they brought in off of the street. Sometimes, he sounds like he’s just trying too hard to sound silly (admittedly, this might be because a Dutch accent just sounds weird to me for a thrash metal vocalist). And what about that cover that caused me to pick this up? Well, Spinal Tap’s “Tonight I’m Gonna Rock You Tonight” sounds lame when played by Chainsaw, although at least they didn’t go the obvious route and cover the Ramones’ “Chain Saw.”

“Metal Missionary” isn’t offensively bad; it’s just not very good and only worth picking up if you’re a really die-hard thrash fan.

Originally posted at metal-jerks.com