If We Had Brains... We'd Be Dangerous

“…and I’m the world’s forgotten boy…”

Impaler is one of those bands that should’ve ridden off into the hills of oblivion after a lone mini-lp or 12” single to leave us basking in the wonderment as to why the metal scene's grim reaper brought inexplicable and possibly premature demise upon the group. The style’s full of ‘em, these acts with one-off eps. Whether they’re any good is up for grabs. Some deserve extinction. Some lives that are cut short are almost an indignity to the scene. The latter is no doubt scarcer; the amethyst amongst the sandstone that musically and mindfully lobbies for a career’s logical excursion, brought on by the full-lengther growth spurt. Supporting the former’s ideals is all the crap that’s been released for the sake of releasing something…anything…since time immemorial, even if it is wholeheartedly chin high in its crap stance. Some are merely neutral in taste. Any of these flavors, however, can fund some real search n’ rescue missions by collectors.

‘85’s Rise of the Mutants ep was Impaler’s golden ticket in this event; a better than average four-tuner with a stunningly ridiculous cover that made more of a scratch on the scene than the actual music it wrapped. To end it here could’ve started a legacy (not that a Combat-issued disc exists that has become a rare discovery) – “In today’s news, the one and only mid-’80s ep from the short-lived Minnesota flash/speed/whatever metal act Impaler goes for a record-stumping lump of cash on Nuthin’-Better-2-Do-With-My-L00t.com”. Yep, coulda been them, but this wasn't the final curtain for this four-piece and instead they’ve somehow exceeded my wildest dreams of old age with a bunch of stuff that hasn’t awarded them anything even as quasi-cool as mild cult status. Seems metal’s executioner had its eyeless sockets latched onto other bands worthy of this (dis)honor.

I do, in fact, have a soft-hearted fascination with their ep, a romance that I can’t say has also blossomed in their debut full-lengther. ROTM admittedly took years to grow on me and during that time had no problem snuffing out any interest the band had dangled in front of me. Got Combat Records’ cheapo ‘86 Bullets Vol. 1 compilation that drew Impaler’s new waters of “Bloodbath” that was, well, solidly Impaler as far as I remembered. Rhythmically a little stiff, but the chorus loosens it up a bit. Still no interest, especially not when new Agent Steel, Possessed, and an early (and better, IMO) recording of Dark Angel’s messiah “The Burning of Sodom” are tearin’ up nearby grooves. No interest comes when this thing’s title that could make the most resilient M.E.T.A.L. monger wince happens across my stupidity threshold. Rediscovering the ep later reveals that I was mostly off-base about it and maybe If We Had Brains…We’d be Dangerous isn’t the sniper prospect I’d aimed up. What’s this thing, nine bucks? The line-up – a literally smokin’ Torok, hands fulla hair ‘Meaty’ Johnson, Commander Hawley, and spitter/screamer/howler Lindsey – is the same in roll call as well as evolution it seems, if not visually, then conceptually. Combat’s trusted logo is stamped on the rear. Still, I had my doubts for some reason, that debut-to-sophomore sixth sense that often cursed my dreams. Shit. Once again, here goes nuthin’.

My sixth sense is simultaneously sorry and pleased to say this ten-songer is pretty much mediocre. The widely wet and blood-red catchiness that owns the ep is dry n’ scabby maroon here. Musical passages holding my interest are scarce, and when it occurs, it’s not for long. Familiar “Blood Bath” is the only song whose entirety accomplishes this. Smaller doses are the chorus of “Assassin”, some varying urgent airtime scattered about “Wasteland” (which opposingly punishes with some of the album’s most head-lilting fare), “Dancin’ on the Edge”, and maybe “Witch Queen”, and “Metal Messiah”’s sometimes off-beat agenda as finale.

The ruckus of the mutants stumbling to whatever they call feet causes the ep’s radioactive punky spore to waft in this lp’s direction and like a swarm of wasps build logical hives in “Search and Destroy”, a Stooges cover from ‘73, residual ones in most of “Assassin”, and finally pollinates practically the rest of the area, which isn’t what you’d call unexpected. The guitar tone isn’t quite as tetchy or irritable and Bill Lindsey’s spittle wipes cleaner with less animation and eagerness.

Can’t find anything but an average to below average result here, one that kinda throws a little cold water on the ep and a shark tank’s worth on any future opuses that may wake me up screaming or worse. Nine bucks bought me the reason, evidence, and proof to write these guys off (even if I would check them out from time to time and still not find much worthwhile), which is a bargain in the long run, and in my personal rating system, descriptors like ‘mediocre’ and ‘below average’ spell failure.

Husker Du’s Bob Mould produces this, a big deal event to somebody, I’m sure.

Paradoxx, Glacier, Damacles, Metal Sword, Valhalla (US-CA), Blind Beggar, Halloween (IT), Mordor (GER), Overlord (CAN), Snow White (US) - just the tip of the reaper’s blade made sharp on the rounded edges of ’85 – you figure out which are worthy of the unremembered executioner’s block and which should still be mourned.

Fun Fact (1d:0d): Volume II of the Bullets compilation never got loaded.

“…the reaper smiles…”

This is really old school! So many influences in one album. Ahh...only in the eighties could you get a mix of metal, punk, thrash and rock & roll like this. The music ranges from Venom-influenced metal to rock & roll to having thrash with some punk riffs in the same song...it's all over the place, but it all fits together somehow and sounds awesome.

The vocals can be really thrashy at times, sounding almost like Wehrmacht or The Accused, but the music is nothing like those bands for the most part. The majority of the vocals are slightly cleaner, though. This band reminds me a lot of Venom; at least two or three of the songs sound like the riffs were borrowed from Venom songs. You can't listen to Puppet Master and tell me that they didn't format the song similar to "Live Like an Angel, Die Like a Devil" by Venom. I think "Wasteland" shows some similarity to "Buried Alive", also by Venom. Even the vocals sound similar at times, though being a lot more frenzied-sounding and higher-pitched.

The song "Search and Destroy" Is very punk-sounding, so picture a Ramones song covered by a metal band similar to Venom. This band seems like their whole image is very over-the-top like Venom, too. So the band closest comparably to this is Venom, I would say, although this still maintains some originality. Anyone into Venom or old school, over-the-top heavy metal should check this out if they can get hold of it.