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Lade
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Thu Mar 13, 2008 2:34 pm
Posts: 4
Location: Denmark
PostPosted: Mon Mar 23, 2009 6:46 pm 
 

Hey. I'm a total newbie at songwriting, and as such I have no idea whether this blows, or if there's actually just a tiny bit of redeeming quality hidden somewhere...

Anyway, I tried to just let my mind wander and write something down, and I can't seem to decide whether the result is pretentious crap or more deep.

So, I started at things that rhyme, like

Oh, the exilerating feeling of causing pain
All the attempts at rehabilitation were obviously in vain
I can feel her body shiver in the dark,
death does not come in an instant
The feeling of causing pain
is a feeling that's easy to gain
provided you've got the balls or are mentally insane.

...but in the end found that black metal isn't supposed to rhyme, and wrote something else. Here goes

Forgotten
abandoned by the light you live in solitude
Fearing,
the horrors of the undying soul
Gleaming
in the darkess - a sad memory
of times of splendor, of feast, of glory
Wishing
for death to set you free from the prison of life
Cursing
at the Sun for revelling in your despair

I feel
the guilt
It weights on my shoulder like a thousand rocks
it burns in my skin like the molten earth
it scars my past and haunts my dreams
it eats me up from inside,
leaving only the emptiness
until at last I become one with it
and my life is no longer my own
yet it beckons with glory and unwavering hate
no regrets or repulsions from the result of my act
I truly believe this to be my eternal fate
and wish for the anger and power I lacked
Behold

a bit of viking-like stuff:

Onto the burning wastes of Chaos
we wander
our purpose, though unclear, is unquestioned
we stand as one, we speak as one
we will act as one, we will destroy, pillage and rape
acts of revenge, of vengeance, of hate
we do unto them as is foretold
those left behind the trail of sorrow,
would be lucky to experience a new tomorrow.

So how is that? I think it's pretty crappy but I can't pinpoint what's wrong with it. It would be much easier to just write som grindcore:

Poison your dog
Microwave your cat
Kill your neighbour
Rape his daughter
Slaughter your entire local community

;)

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Gravemarker
The Bloody Heartland

Joined: Thu Dec 11, 2008 5:32 pm
Posts: 1416
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Mar 23, 2009 7:48 pm 
 

Lade wrote:

So how is that? I think it's pretty crappy but I can't pinpoint what's wrong with it. It would be much easier to just write som grindcore:

Poison your dog
Microwave your cat
Kill your neighbour
Rape his daughter
Slaughter your entire local community

;)


Being a grind freak much more then a black metalhead, this is actually my favorite one. I might write some riffs for this. :D

But don't mind me, I have no artistic tastes

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diabolikon
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Oct 10, 2008 9:33 pm
Posts: 968
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Mon Mar 23, 2009 10:50 pm 
 

Gravemarker wrote:
Lade wrote:

So how is that? I think it's pretty crappy but I can't pinpoint what's wrong with it. It would be much easier to just write som grindcore:

Poison your dog
Microwave your cat
Kill your neighbour
Rape his daughter
Slaughter your entire local community

;)


Being a grind freak much more then a black metalhead, this is actually my favorite one. I might write some riffs for this. :D

But don't mind me, I have no artistic tastes

You could be the next Anal Cunt.

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Gravemarker
The Bloody Heartland

Joined: Thu Dec 11, 2008 5:32 pm
Posts: 1416
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Mar 23, 2009 10:57 pm 
 

diabolikon wrote:
Gravemarker wrote:
Lade wrote:

So how is that? I think it's pretty crappy but I can't pinpoint what's wrong with it. It would be much easier to just write som grindcore:

Poison your dog
Microwave your cat
Kill your neighbour
Rape his daughter
Slaughter your entire local community

;)


Being a grind freak much more then a black metalhead, this is actually my favorite one. I might write some riffs for this. :D

But don't mind me, I have no artistic tastes

You could be the next Anal Cunt.


Yeah man! Between Lade's killer lyrics and my being siiiiick in general we could be the next kings of pornogrind :headbang:

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Nochielo
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Sep 29, 2008 8:20 am
Posts: 2388
Location: Puerto Rico
PostPosted: Tue Mar 24, 2009 8:01 am 
 

It's Ok, I mean many bands can't write anything better than that. It's just that these lyrics sound like what everyone has done before, and it's not poetic enough for my taste. It's promising, I'll give you that, but you should work more on it. Relax, however, the first lyrics you write are supposed to suck, but these ones show some future and space for growth.

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Bezerko
Vladimir Poopin

Joined: Tue Nov 28, 2006 2:50 am
Posts: 4370
Location: Venestraya
PostPosted: Tue Mar 24, 2009 9:16 am 
 

Rhyming very rarely, if ever, works in black metal. Rhyming adds a certain "bounciness" which is, as far as I'm concerned, not really "black metal". Not a huge fan, but I can't really pick out what I dislike, it's just something that requires refinement and practice I guess.

SLAUGHTER YOUR ENTIRE LOCAL COMMUNITY! :headbang::headbang::headbang::headbang::headbang::headbang::headbang::headbang:

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theRenegade498
Metal newbie

Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2009 10:21 am
Posts: 96
PostPosted: Tue Mar 24, 2009 9:45 am 
 

personally, I think the style and lyrical theme is really dry and boring.

try writeing about deeper substances and using more metaphoricallt speach.

Its not bad for black metal, but black metal lyrics arent exactly known for their deep thought processes.
:lol:

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Gravemarker
The Bloody Heartland

Joined: Thu Dec 11, 2008 5:32 pm
Posts: 1416
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Mar 24, 2009 1:35 pm 
 

Lade wrote:
It would be much easier to just write som grindcore:

Poison your dog
Microwave your cat
Kill your neighbour
Rape his daughter
Slaughter your entire local community

;)

sigged.
Evey time I read it, it gets better and better. Forget BM man, you should play in a grind band!!
_________________
Last.fm


Last edited by Gravemarker on Thu Mar 26, 2009 3:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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foz45139
Metal newbie

Joined: Wed Apr 09, 2008 1:48 pm
Posts: 364
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Tue Mar 24, 2009 2:33 pm 
 

Lade wrote:
So, I started at things that rhyme, like

Oh, the exilerating feeling of causing pain
All the attempts at rehabilitation were obviously in vain
I can feel her body shiver in the dark,
death does not come in an instant
The feeling of causing pain
is a feeling that's easy to gain
provided you've got the balls or are mentally insane.

...but in the end found that black metal isn't supposed to rhyme, and wrote something else. Here goes

Forgotten
abandoned by the light you live in solitude
Fearing,
the horrors of the undying soul
Gleaming
in the darkess - a sad memory of times of splendor, of feast, of glory
Wishing
for death to set you free from the prison of life
Cursing
at the Sun for revelling in your despair


Improvement. :thumbsup:
_________________
key2thegate666 wrote:
Once I was done throwing up I had to take another shit. Again it was diarrhea! While diarrhea was coming out of my ass I began to throw up. This fucking sucked! If only I had some Disgorge playing it might not have sucked ass much.

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DeathFog
Temporally-Displaced Fossil

Joined: Thu Jun 12, 2003 9:20 am
Posts: 582
Location: Estonia
PostPosted: Wed Mar 25, 2009 4:53 am 
 

As for the first version :

* The lyrics lack any kind of poetic feel
* The lyrics sound somewhat childish
* The lyrics feel disjoint

The second is better, although the rhythm they possess would fit Thrash rather than Black Metal, I mean those words you put in front of each line.
_________________
"Welcome to the sane asylum, you'll never leave if you keep trying" - Blind Illusion.

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Wrath_Of_War
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Mar 18, 2007 8:04 pm
Posts: 1158
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2009 1:38 pm 
 

The first lyrics you wrote were just awful. But I really do like the second set of lyrics. I try to write lyrics like that, but all of mine end up being about the occult or Satan :lol: You definately will improve as you continue to write lyrics, but as far as I'm concerned, you're off to a pretty good start. Keep it up. :)

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BlsdRTehCheesemakers
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Jan 13, 2009 1:56 pm
Posts: 38
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2009 11:51 am 
 

You have a lot of potential. Although the lyrics are good, the real test will how well they fit with the music.

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EthanEbeling
Metal newbie

Joined: Wed Mar 25, 2009 9:40 pm
Posts: 34
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2009 12:50 pm 
 

You have a good way with words, I liked the improved Black Metal lyrics.

The grindcore was awesome! Hahaha.

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godofgomorrah
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2008 5:07 pm
Posts: 55
Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2009 2:57 pm 
 

sounds more grindcore than black metal to me. Too much modernity (i.e. microwave, rehabilitiation) and not enough grimness and forests.

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godofgomorrah
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2008 5:07 pm
Posts: 55
Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2009 2:58 pm 
 

OH sorry i was talking about the first one, the second is actually really good and contains all the grimness and forest needed.

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